Balancing Caregiving with Personal Life: A Resilient Guide
Resilient caregivers follow a narrow path. Some would say a better analogy is a tightrope. That’s particularly true because the secret to success in both tightrope walking and caregiving is summed up in one word: balance. Give too much and you’re in danger of being consumed by the role of doer and energy giver of the caregiver. Hold back on the TLC and you’ll be wobbling precariously with carer’s guilt.
Why is Finding a Balance Tough?
For anyone who finds themselves cast as the caregiver, the question is always the same: how can I be the carer I want to be while still being the best me? The bad news is that, yes, finding that balance is tough. The great news is that you’ve just found someone who knows how to do it.
Achieving balance as a caregiver in the context of family is notoriously difficult. That’s because the person you care for, be they an elderly parent, a partner or spouse, child, a sibling or friend, already has a pre-existing relationship with you. Your caregiving qualities will inevitably be viewed, and to some extent judged, through the lens of your relationship as a daughter/son, a partner or a mother/father, sibling or friend.
That certainly has been my experience!
Over the past two decades I’ve been a family caregiver. Firstly, to both of my parents simultaneously as they each faced cancer, and later on, my mother also endured a near decade-long battle with dementia. Secondly, to my husband, as he faced the emotional, physical and mental challenges of non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (a cancer of the lymphatic system). And last but by no means least, to my son, who was identified with ADHD symptoms of attention challenges and learning disabilities in elementary school and that has evolved into other ADHD behavior heading into his teen years and highschool.
Throughout, I experienced the rewarding highs of caregiving as well as some real lows. Early on during my mother's dementia diagnosis, the anxiety and stress of the situation led me to experiencing severe bronchitis where I needed an oxygen mask at night and needed several months of rest. During these years, I learnt a lot, about both caregiving as well as myself as a caregiver. Experience certainly taught me that not balancing my needs with the needs of the people I cared for impacted the care I was giving as well as my overall health and wellness.
When You Don’t Balance Caregiving And Your Personal Life?
If the focus on providing care for others becomes overwhelming, there are clear consequences, as highlighted in a report by the Family Caregiver Alliance. A worrying 40%-70% of caregivers exhibit symptoms of depression.
As caregiving generally means devoting an average of 24 hours a week or more to the person you’re caring for, it’s easy to see how caregivers are tempted to put their own lives on hold. The sheer lack of time to invest in yourself and tend to your own needs makes that far too easy a mistake to make. Further, if the time spent caring leads to a lack of sleep, you are ten times more likely to be depressed.
If your diet is suffering because of the care you’re giving, you’re not alone. Around 60% of caregivers feel the same, reporting that their diet has deteriorated due to the time they have to devote to caregiving. That’s important when you take into account just how strong the link between diet and depression is. A Harvard School of Public Health study revealed that women who regularly turn to sugary sodas, red meat and processed grains (AKA a burger and cola) for convenience are up to 41% more likely to be depressed. Staggering, isn't it!
Then there’s the lack of time and energy for exercise, the non-existent social life, the stress of dealing with healthcare professionals and the constant convincing of the person you’re caring for that you’re actually trying to help them. When my husband didn't take ownership of his own health and went back to his own self sabotaging ways after all of my hard work and energy to care him back to health… it shocked me to the core! And many caregivers have reported the same demoralizing story.
In this guide, I explain how you can perform a barometer check on if you are on a path to overwhelm and illness and provide ways to build your resilience to becoming a Resilient Caregiver.
Time For A Caregiver Check-in
There are some red flags and danger signs to look out for.
So take a moment and check yourself against this list:
Are you feeling empty, hopeless or run-down?
Do you have little interest in activities you once enjoyed?
Are you irritable some or most of the time?
Do you have trouble concentrating?
Have you lost weight or gained weight without explanation?
Are you having trouble sleeping like you used to? (Whether waking up during the night or having a hard time getting to sleep)
Do you have a hard time waking up or getting out of bed in the morning?
Do you go to bed and knock out right away due to exhaustion?
These are general symptoms of depression - which may or may not be directly linked to caregiving. If you’re suffering from some, many, or most of them, seek out medical advice, whether a doctor, naturopath, or counseling services. You NEED to take action NOW!
Start Finding A Better Balance By Reframing Caregiving
There are lots of good things about caregiving, of course! As I found, it can be incredibly rewarding work. My biggest AHA moment made the biggest difference and helped my relationships with the people I cared for flourish.
I simply took another look at how I framed caregiving. It’s an often overlooked insight that should be the very first step towards building your resilience.
The goal is to reframe caregiving as a ‘gift’ instead of a ‘burden’. It is a gift of your best self where once you "fill your own bucket of health, wellness, joy, happiness", you will be able to share some of this gift within you. Once you do that, you’ll realize that achieving a better balance that allows you to put yourself first as a caregiver isn’t selfish. It’s only by being happy and healthy yourself that you’ll be able to give your care wholeheartedly.
In many ways, it’s like the safety instructions on a flight: “Make sure your own oxygen mask is in place before helping others!” Otherwise, you risk not having the strength or ability to help and you will help no-one.
Four More Steps to Help Build Your Resilience
As my caregiving experience grew, I found more ways to become less stressed and anxious. Implementing each one made me incrementally stronger and more able to deal with difficult situations while enjoying the magic moments, allowing me to achieve better balance in my life.
Rebalance Your Need For Control By Letting Go
Throughout our lives, the idea that being in control is the safest place to be has been ingrained into our consciousness. The challenge is that caregiving almost always appears to be out of our control, right from the very beginning and that is no longer the case.
In my own situation, I wasn’t in control of my mother’s dementia, my dad’s illness or my husband’s cancer. Nor was I in control of how my mother, husband, father or child dealt with their own challenges individually.
The problem for anyone who strives to be in control (like I did) is that finding out that you can’t be in control can be devastating. It increases stress and anxiety and raises blood pressure while reducing feelings of satisfaction; an unholy mix of negativity. If that negativity results in criticism, indifference, and ambivalence from the person you’re caring for, a vicious web of frustration, resentment, lack of confidence and an unwillingness to provide further care occurs.
I found an improved balance by letting go of control and embracing uncertainty and the aspect of 'what is'. Once I let go of the illusion that I could plan, manage and control everything, I was freed of the disappointment that followed when reality failed to conform to my plans.
By doing the same, you’ll open your mind to the new, more exciting possibilities that could happen, a much more positive and resilient state of mind.
Balance What You DO As A Caregiver With BE-ing A Happier You
Caregiving is not a to-do list (there’s always lots to do - that’s for sure) because you can’t simply tick off emotional support and care; they’re never complete.
My advice is to take a more mindful approach, getting in tune with feeling and more awareness with what you are experiencing in the moment. After all, by being a caregiver, you’re taking part in an emotional and physical marathon, not a sprint. Being aware of that in itself can help you start to reduce anxiety and stress. It demonstrates how, in the long run, your own well-being is an integral part of your ability to enhance the well-being of the person you’re caring for.
If you wear yourself down by trying to DO everything, you’ll increase resentment and unhappiness for everyone. Taking a more balanced approach means focusing on BE-ing there in the moment, in the most present, positive and happy way you can, while you’re giving your care. It also means giving yourself permission to foster a vibrant and varied personal life when you’re not.
You’ll know the balance is right when you start to find a better relationship developing between you and the person you’re caring for.
Asking For Help Will Make Your Life Easier and Balance Your Caregiving
One thing I’m always very clear about is that asking for help does not represent failure. Far from it. Realizing that you can’t do it all, all the time, all alone is a strength. Connecting with your community and friends establishes your resource network.
Help can come from many sources and there are different ways to ask for it. Two suggestions are these:
Firstly, if you’re caregiving within your family for an elderly parent for instance, siblings, other relatives and even friends of your parent may be able to help. One option is to divide some of the tasks into smaller duties that others can perform. Chipping away at the number of responsibilities you take on yourself will naturally create a little time and space to care for yourself.
Secondly, sharing your personal struggles or feelings of overwhelm and frustration can be very healing. From my own experience as well as that of caregivers I’ve spoken to, almost everyone finds it tough to open up about the difficulties of caregiving. That’s whether they’re caring for someone in their family or working as a caregiver. Expressing oneself is not only beneficial as a release; it identifies potential resource needs that would help lighten the load.
Many people feel guilty admitting to any hardship at all. Others may feel some resentment if their commitment to caring is questioned. If you don’t express your concerns calmly and clearly, others may not realize you have them and offer help or provide guidance of where you can seek some assistance. That’s why it’s important to establish an on-going conversation between everyone involved.
Whether your caring is within your own family or you’re a professional, you can also turn to my book: ‘Break Free From Caregiver Fatigue. Creating Sacred Spaces to Release You from Burn Out’. for expert advice and help.
In the book, I detail my journey from despair, crying hot tears of frustration on the stairs, to finding calm, positive and effective ways to care for others, and most importantly for myself. In the book, you’ll find more step-by-step strategies to help you navigate your own way to becoming the caregiver you want, and need, to be. Want your copy? You can buy yours here!
Movement Helps Achieve A Healthy Balance For Mind And Body
Everyone knows that a regular workout and consistent times of movement, whether cardio, weight, sport, yoga or even dance, strengthens your mental and physical muscles. It’s creating the time and how to move through exercise or other, to fit it in that’s the problem. As part of your new attitude to caregiving that includes your selfcare as an essential ingredient, you’ll realize that scheduling some form of movement for yourself isn’t shirking on caring.
For me, the movement is a regular game of squash. If you’re not familiar with it, squash is a racket sport where you and an opponent hit the ball against the wall in a four-walled space. It’s fast, intense (even at beginner levels) so your focus has to go into high gear to concentrate on playing and getting to the ball.
You’ll have your own favorite exercise, be it one you used to enjoy before caregiving took over or one you still do when you can. But whether it’s running, yoga, golf, swimming, a brisk walk or anything else, making time to do it is not an indulgence. It’s essential to finding the much needed balance you need in your life in order to thrive!
Be The Caregiver You Want To Be Without Sacrificing Your Happiness
Everyone who rises to the challenges of caregiving wants to give their best. As I found out, to be able to do that you have to do your best for yourself, first. It’s never a case of care for others or care for yourself. It can be both ideally you first, in order to fill your bucket, and then the person you care for.
So if you want to give the gift of caregiving to its fullest, such as being supporting, loving and patient, you need to balance it with your self love and self care. Without it, there’s a danger that caring for others will dominate your life, your emotions and your health. And who could be happy with that?
By following these steps you’ll feel less like caregiving is a rollercoaster of ups, downs, twists and turns. You’ll feel the benefits of a more balanced attitude, with less pressure and reduced resentment. You’ll be laying the foundations for a better relationship with the person (or people) you’re caring for. And last but not least, you’ll be showing yourself a little more kindness, opening the door to an improved and more vibrant personal life.
As I know from my own experience, nothing about caregiving is easy. I struggled to balance my caregiving and my own personal life.
That’s exactly why I wrote ‘Break Free From Caregiver Fatigue. Creating Sacred Spaces to Release You from Burn Out’. I want YOU to have a source of advice and inspiration that wasn’t available to me. By following my journey and applying my strategies in your life, I know you’ll be able to become a great caregiver, and an even greater carer for yourself leading to a very fulfilled and purposeful life.
Want your copy? You can buy yours here!
